The Silence Between Us
On Men, Trauma, and the Loss of Connection
[A note on gender inclusivity - Everything I’ve written here applies to cis-men, transmen, nonbinary people, and anyone who internalized masculine gender socialization. It can also apply to people others identified as men or boys, but they themselves didn’t feel they were men or boys.]
This Isn’t Natural — It’s Trauma
We’ve been told for generations that men are just “less emotional,” “less communicative,” or “less relational” than women.But what if that’s not true at all?What if what we call “masculinity” is not nature — but a wound?
In western, post-industrial cultures, boys are socialized into manhood through a series of emotional injuries. These aren't one-time events — they are repeated, cumulative traumas that become embodied in the nervous system. What we often interpret as stoicism, emotional shutdown, or avoidance is actually a trauma response — I believe this is literally complex PTSD.
Masculinity as a Curriculum of Cruelty
From the playground to the locker room to the dinner table, many boys receive the same message:
Vulnerability will get you hurt.
Feelings are a liability.
Power is safety.
Women (and “feminine” traits) are inferior — and to be disowned.
The delivery of these messages is often brutal. Boys who cry are mocked. Boys who show tenderness are humiliated. Boys who seek closeness with each other are accused of being gay — and that accusation is weaponized as shame.
Even if a boy avoids direct attack, he learns by witnessing. He watches other boys get shamed and rejected, and internalizes the lesson:
“Don’t be like him.”
This is what trauma theorists call vicarious trauma — watching someone else get hurt and feeling it in your own body.
The Body Remembers: Somatic Trauma
As Resmaa Menakem writes in My Grandmother’s Hands, and Bessel van der Kolk writes in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma doesn’t just live in our minds — it lives in our bodies.
“Trauma is not what happens to you. It’s what happens inside your body, in response to what happens to you.” —Resmaa Menakem
When a boy is shamed for crying or seeking affection, his body registers it as danger. His nervous system — built for survival — activates a fight, flight, or freeze response. Over time, this response becomes chronic, even reflexive. So when adult men are asked to be emotionally present, tender, or vulnerable — their bodies react as if it’s unsafe.
This is not a gender difference. It’s not natural. It’s trauma.
This Trauma Isn’t Private — It’s Political
Let’s be clear: this isn’t just a personal problem. It’s part of how patriarchy enforces emotional dominance.
Men are taught to associate power with protection, and to fear anything that makes them feel dependent or emotionally exposed. That fear then governs their behavior in relationships — particularly with women and feminine presenting people.
Rather than lean into collaboration, many men default to control, withdrawal, defensiveness, or numbness. And rather than risk shame, they often protect themselves through:
Mocking or dismissing emotional needs
Shutting down during conflict
Positioning themselves as “logical” while framing women as “overly emotional”
It’s a form of emotional supremacy — and it leaves their partners feeling deeply, chronically alone.
Thanks for reading. If this resonates with you, share it. To step outside these systems is to invite the healing all of humanity needs.
Coming Next in Part II:
“She’s Lonely Too: How Women Carry the Weight of Men’s Trauma” We’ll look at how women — including cis women, trans women, and feminine presenting people — experience loneliness and burnout in relationships where men are emotionally unavailable, how public-private dynamics intensify this pain, and why so many women are choosing solitude over shallow partnership.